The pains in my empty stomach remind me throughout the day
of what this day is all about.
Ash Wednesday. Repentance.
This is my first year observing Ash Wednesday and Lent. I decided to fast today and now I just want to
go to bed so that I can get up and eat breakfast. How did Jesus do it for 40
days?
Self-discipline. Something that I am not so great at. The
evidence of which has once again reared it's ugly head in this most recent season of my life. Too many cookies,
endless episodes on Netflix, drinking coffee and soda like water.
So I am giving up
those things for these 40 days of Lent. Those things that often characterize a
lazy and undisciplined season in my life, which always spills on over into my
spiritual life. Scattered prayers, an unopened Bible. Quick to anger, easily
frustrated, growing more impatient . The mind focused on the shallow, the temporary,
the fleeting. Feeling my own needs so great, much like this hunger, and others
needs as merely an inconvenience, much like this fast. Repentance.
I think about these things as I go throughout my day.
Laundry in, hunger, reflect, repent. Bathtub filled, hunger, reflect,
repent. Toys picked up, hunger, reflect, repent. I used to think that
fasting was something that I did to earn extra points with God. Now I know that
fasting is all about the denial. The void. The reminder. As I traipse through
the seemingly mundane of my day, I am seeing things differently.
I see two little people right in front of me that
desperately need me to be Jesus with skin on. More apple juice in the sippy cup…serve.
Little fingers fumbling the carseat buckles…patience. Tears spilled over
scratchy tags…empathy. Whatever you did for one of the least of these…
My mind races throughout the day as I plan my observance of
Lent. Prayers to pray, devotionals to read, activities to do with the boys. I
stop. In all of my planning for reflection and repentance, I am forgetting to
reflect and repent.
It occurred to me today that I am really good at the knowing
and the doing, but I struggle with the being. I think my One Word for 2012 is
larger in scope than I first thought.
Be.
Be like Christ.
Be. Embody his very attributes.
Be kind to those who have hurt me. More than tolerant and
superficially nice. Truly kind.
Be selfless in putting others needs before my own. This. Is.
So. Hard.
Be merciful. Not judging those who are judging me. Grace
extended.
Be focused on the deep, not the shallow. The eternal, not
the temporary.
Reflect. Repent. Be.
Always,
Amanda
Always,
Amanda
