From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Little Man, I began reading everything I could get my hands on as it related to parenting. Thankfully, I found the amazing book entitled "The Baby Book" by Dr. William Sears. It started me on the wonderful journey of Attachment Parenting, and I have absolutely no regrets about the choices I have made. When Little Man turned two a few months ago, and he began to "exercise his will" more frequently, I headed to the library to begin researching discipline. Let's just say that there are a lot of opinions on this subject. Being an AP parent, I tend to lean toward a more gentle discipline approach.
The more I read about discipline, the more I feel that the discipline of a child is directly connected to the self-discipline of the parent. It is easy to react to unpleasant behavior with yelling, threats, time-outs and spanking. And in my experience, using those tactics generally only escalates negative behavior in both of us. For example...child throws a tantrum, mom yells, child gets more upset, mom gets more frustrated and angry, child loses it, mom loses it. This has happened to me one too many times. And after it's all said and done, I do not feel like my child learned anything of real value. After all, how can he learn the self-control it takes to not pitch a fit, if mom is showing no self-control in reacting to the fit. It requires much more self-discipline on the parent's part to remain patient and calm, and use creative tactics and strategies to correct negative behavior.
Often the first thing we think of when we hear the word discipline is punishment, but the purpose of discipline is to teach children how to behave properly and how to handle their emotions. Most child experts would agree that young children learn much more through observance and imitation than they do from lecturing and punishment. So the first question is, "How am I behaving and controlling my moods and emotions in front of my children?"
In her book "Beyond the Rainbow Bridge", Brenda Patterson wrote a great chapter on discipline. She wrote about how oftentimes a child's behavior will reflect their environment. For example, if the room is a mess or their clothes are disheveled, simply restoring order to the situation can resolve the problematic behavior. I know that when my house is a mess, I am more stressed and grumpy. Why wouldn't that be true for kids too?
She also wrote about being a calming force in the midst of chaos. If the child is out of control, and the adult can react with unwavering calmness, the child will eventually succumb to the calm. This is much better than the other option, which is the adult taking on the emotions of the child and getting upset.
Another area where I feel that there is a connection between the discipline of the child and the self-discipline of the adult, is in preventative discipline. Things such as proper nutrition, getting enough sleep, consistent daily routines, avoiding chaotic places, etc. Any expert on discipline will tell you that these things are directly connected to your child's behavior. And to have these areas under control takes a lot of self-discipline on the adult's part. I've heard several people say that they aren't going to change their lifestyle just because they have kids. The kids will have to adapt, not them. To me, parenting is all about about sacrifices. There are many times that I have to choose what's better for the kids over what I'd rather be doing. It's just part of this wonderful journey called parenthood. There will be a time when my kids are older, and I can do more of what I want to do. But right now, their needs are my priority.
With all of that said, two areas I feel like I really need to get under control in the area of preventative discipline is our nutrition/eating habits and schedules/routines (or "rhythms" as Waldorf calls it). These are two things that require major self-control on my part and I just can't seem to get it together on. I am going to take the next few weeks to really focus on these areas. I'll keep you posted on our progress.
What are your thoughts on the "discipline connection" and what are some things you need to work on?
Always,
Amanda
