I want to be a dangerous woman!

A few months ago, I discovered Lynne Hybels and she has quickly become a woman that I greatly admire. You probably have heard of her husband, Bill, who is the senior pastor of Willow Creek Community Church, which happens to be one of the 10 largest churches in the United States. I can only imagine the pressures and expectations placed on her as the pastor's wife of such a large congregation.

She actually writes about her struggles of living a life she thought God demanded, her husband wanted, her kids needed, and her church expected in her book Nice Girls Don't Change the World.

Her book encouraged me so much, because if a pastor's wife of that magnitude can break through ministry stereotypes and expectations to be the unique woman that God created her to be, then surely I can as well!

Her definition of a "nice girl" is one whose behavior is often safe, passive, and people-pleasing. A woman who lives out the script she learned as a child - a script too often grounded in powerlessness. A woman who tends to live according to the will of others.

She writes that the opposite of a nice girl is "a downright dangerous woman. A woman who shows up with everything she is and joins in the battle against whatever opposes the redeeming work of God in our lives and in our world. A dangerous woman delves deeply into the truth of who she is, grounds herself daily in the healing and empowering love of God, and radically engages with the needs of the world....From college students and empty-nesters. Young moms and grandmothers. From women crossing lines of age, race, and culture. Women mentoring one another and sharpening skills. Women volunteering time. Raising money. Thinking creatively. Taking risks. Reinventing their lives. Following their God-given dreams. Dangerous women. World-changing women."

Last week, I wrote about how God is slowly stripping away my image of a "godly woman" and replacing it with His own. She looks a lot like this dangerous woman that Lynne describes.

So today, I join Lynne in claiming her Creed for Dangerous Women.

Dear God, please make us dangerous women.  

May we be women who acknowledge our power to change, and grow, and be radically alive for God. May we be healers of wounds and righters of wrongs.  

May we weep with those who weep and speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.  

May we cherish children, embrace the elderly, and empower the poor.  

May we pray deeply and teach wisely.  

May we be strong and gentle leaders.  

May we sing songs of joy and talk down fear.  

May we never hesitate to let passion push us, conviction compel us, and righteous anger energize us.  

May we strike fear into all that is unjust and evil in the world.  

May we dismantle abusive systems and silence lies with truth.  

May we shine like stars in a darkened generation.  

May we overflow with goodness in the name of God and by the power of Jesus.  

And in that name and by that power, may we change the world.  

Dear God, please make us dangerous women. 

Amen.

Lord, please make me a dangerous woman. Amen!

Always, 

Amanda

What Exactly Does a Godly Woman Look Like?

For as long as I can remember, I have prayed "Lord, make me into the woman that you want me to be."

And for as long as I can remember, I have tried to make myself into the woman that I thought the Lord wanted me to be.

And for as long as I can remember, I have felt like a failure at being the woman that He wants me to be.

And I have recently figured out why that is.

This "godly woman" image that I had in my head, wasn't based on the the Word of God as much as it was based on the women I saw around me. And what I saw around me were beautiful, classy, talented, Southern Christian women. And for as long as I can remember, I have felt like the ugly stepsister trying to fit my big toe in Cinderella's tiny glass slipper. And the shoe just never has fit.

Blame it on my Northern roots...I never have been able to perfect the sweet, Southern drawl.

I'm a low-maintenance, no-bling kind of a girl who prefers thrift stores over Macy's.

I do not sing solo's nor do I play the piano. (Major pastor's wife foul!)

I'm not really a fan of praise and worship music or women's devotionals. I like indie bands and books on theology.

I can't cook a casserole to save my life.

I hate to speak in front of crowds.

I really hate to pray out loud.

Please do not misunderstand me. I do not have a problem with women who are like this. I personally know and have been blessed by many of these women. I am just not one of them. And for a long time I thought that I needed to be.

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There is this wall in the back of my kitchen dining area that was paneling that has been wallpapered and then painted over several times. I want to paint the kitchen, and Phillip has mentioned that we probably need to strip the paint and wallpaper off the paneling first. Ugh. That sounds like a miserable project to me. I would rather just slap on another coat of paint and call it a day. But there are seams in the wallpaper, and parts of it are bubbling. And no matter how much we paint over it, those imperfections will show through.

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I feel like my image of a "godly woman" is kind of like that wall. It is layers upon layers of ideas and pictures that have been wallpapered and painted on by the culture around me - American, Christian, and Southern culture. Once again, not bad things, just not necessary things for me to emulate in order to be the woman that God wants me to be.

Over the last few years, I feel like God has patiently taken on the tedious task of stripping away those layers to reveal to me His image of a godly woman. And do you know who she looks like?

Not a woman in a dress suit and heels.

Not a woman who sings beautifully into a microphone.

Not a woman who prays eloquently in front of crowds.

Not the Proverbs 31 "Super Mom".

This woman that God is revealing to me...

She looks a lot like Jesus.

And I desperately want to look like Him.

Always,

Amanda

Safe Jesus...An Oxymoron?

You may be wondering what it is that I have been talking about when I have been saying things like..."surrender every area of my life to His Kingdom."

What? Aren't you already a Christian? Isn't your husband a Youth Pastor? Aren't you the Director of Ladies' Ministries at your church? So what big, bad things have you been doing that you need to surrender?

And that's where it gets a little fuzzy in the Christian community. You see, I haven't been doing anything that one would consider "bad" or "rebellious" as a Christian. I have just grown a little too comfortable in my safe and controlled life. I'm afraid that I fit the "Profile of the Lukewarm" that Francis Chan lays out in Chapter Four of Crazy Love. 

"The goals of American Christianity are often a nice marriage, children who don't swear, and good church attendance. Taking the words of Christ literally and seriously is rarely considered. That's for the 'radicals' who are 'unbalanced' and who go 'overboard'. Most of us want a balanced life that we can control, that is safe, and that does not involve suffering."

In that last sentence, I think you could also replace "suffering" with "sacrifice". It seems like it is much more popular these days to talk about how much God wants to bless us, rather than to talk about the things that He is asking us to give up. 

I've had a few conversations lately and it's amazing how tense a conversation can get the minute you start talking about "radical" Christian living. Topics like sharing your home with others, serving the poor, not destroying your body (aka "God's temple") with toxic chemicals found in processed foods and our everyday household products, not destroying God's creation with our overuse of packaging and disposable items, looking into whether or not some of my American conveniences are made possible by the overworked and underpaid in third world countries?  Yeah, talking about those kinds of things will get you some weird looks and will make some people really defensive. And trust me, getting into debates over Scripture on these topics are not my intent. But I'm allowed to wonder and to ask questions...right?

I'm just tired of being too safe and comfortable in my Christian walk, because the Jesus that I read about in the Gospels was not safe, nor was His message one of a comfortable lifestyle. In fact, some of Jesus' teachings were so hard that many disciples turned back and no longer followed Him. (John 6:60-66) 

Derek Webb talks about this on his album called "The House Show". My paraphrase...Often we try to make it our job to make the Gospel easier for us to preach, and easier for other people to hear, in order to not get into trouble, in order to not be confrontational. But you just can't preach the Gospel and not get into trouble, because the cross is both beautiful and offensive, and it must be both. So if we seek to dress it up, or neuter the Gospel, robbing it of it's great offense and therefore it's great beauty, we are not doing anyone any favors. It is not safe to boldly preach the Gospel. This Gospel that we are told will literally set mother against daughter, son against father, not bringing peace but a sword. Dangerous work that we're in as believers, not safe work. Safe is not  a word that should characterize Christians, Jesus, or the Gospel, if it is, then it might not be the Gospel that we are preaching. 

He goes on to talk about Aslan the lion who is the Christ-figure in C.S Lewis's "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe". The children go into town to inquire because they are frightened by the sight of Aslan the lion. They ask if he is safe. The response that the children receive is not, "Yes, he's safe. In fact, he's safe for the whole family." :) The response is "No, no he's not safe. But he is good and he's the king."

Jesus is not safe. He is not manageable. He's a wild lion. You can not tame Him. He is not safe. But He is good. And He is King. And you can trust Him. You can trust that He will provide for you what you need as you go out an you seek to tell people about Him. 

The Gospel that we carry is not safe. It is not manageable. It is not efficient. Loving people is not efficient. The Gospel is not safe, but it is good, and it is true. 

Remember how I said that God was replacing my version of what a godly woman looks like with His much more beautiful and complex picture. Well, let me tell you, she is a dangerous woman. 

I'll explain what that means tomorrow...

In the meantime, I encourage you to think about your life. Are there areas where you have grown too comfortable? Is there nothing that you really need to trust God for right now? 

To quote Francis Chan once again...

"Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account. They don't need God to help them - they have a retirement plan in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health. The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God."

If this is you, as it is me, I invite you to take a walk on the wild side.

Always, 

Amanda

The Time Has Come....Go!

I grew up watching old reruns of "I Love Lucy" on Nick at Nite. One of my favorite episodes was the one where Lucy is due to give birth to Little Ricky and while she resting in her room not yet ready to go to the hospital, Ricky, Fred, and Ethel are in the living room practicing what they will each do when she announces that she is ready to leave. Ricky starts every practice sequence with, "The time has come...go!" and then each of them calmly proceeds with their part of seeing her off to the hospital. Of course, when Lucy waddles into the room and says "This is it!", everything turns into chaos and they all rush out of the apartment without Lucy. It's a great scene.

I kind of feel like my life is like that scene right now. Kind of like all of my years have been building up to this moment, and God is saying "This is it!" and I am sort of freaking out.

These past few months, God has been revealing so much to me about what is really important, showing me changes I need to make in my life, and replacing my version of what a godly woman looks like with his much more beautiful and complex picture.

Yet I feel chaotic inside. Scattered. My mind is running non-stop with so many thoughts, ideas, prayers, and convictions. I am so excited and hungry for change, but sometimes I want to just lay on the couch and hide under an old quilt. You see, He is asking me to step out of my comfort zone in pretty much every area of my life, and sometimes it feels overwhelming.

But He is saying, "The time has come...go!"

I feel such an urgency. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have just been told that I only have 3 years to live and I have to make every second count and completely surrender every area of my life to His Kingdom.

No more of this sitting around and talking about all of the problems....with the world....with the church...with our culture.... etc, etc, etc.

Or as Dave Matthews says..."making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us..."

I feel like that's where I have been for a long time. I've been joining my generation in endless discussions of what is wrong with everything, not realizing the whole time, that I am just as much the problem as the answer.

Because the world is made of people. The church is made up of people. Our culture is made up of people. And I am one of those people. And so are you. And every time I act like my voice and my choices are too small and too insignificant to make a difference, I am part of the problem.

And that is what God has been revealing to me since the beginning of Lent. That my life matters. My decisions matter. My stewardship matters. My attitude matters. Every small, seemingly insignificant choice I make matters to Him.

And no, this change I am seeking is not about me doing great, big things for God that will bring me earthly glory and recognition. I think I am finally over my own Evangelical Hero Complex.

The only thing this is about for me right now is that moment when I stand before God in heaven, and give an account for my life and the way I chose to live it. I have to once again quote Jen Hatmaker, where she wrote...

"Stewardship is like that. I won't answer for the way another Christian mismanaged money. I won't be charged with another person's irresponsible consumption. Nor will I get credit for how another faith community shared or sacrificed luxuries for the marginalized. I'll answer for my choices. It won't work to say, 'But the church...' or 'But they...' or 'What about them...' for how we managed our money, our share of the earth. The 'my vote doesn't really count so why bother?' attitude our generation loves won't fly when it's all said and done."

I will answer for myself, and only myself. And I don't know how much longer I have because the Bible says...

"No one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows."        Matthew 24:36

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this city or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."         James 4:13-14

So that is the reason for the urgency I feel. I have one life to live and already 31 years have passed. I don't know how much longer I have and I want to make every moment count for His Kingdom.

Always, 

Amanda

Ignorance Is Bliss. Or Is It?

I feel like I need to explain myself a little more about the way I've been feeling in regards to feeling "stuck in between" the person I am and the person I want to be.

You see, for a long time I lived in ignorance. I grew up as a good Christian girl who went to a good Christian school and worked at a good Christian bookstore. I went on to attend a good Christian university and marry a good Christian guy. I had dreams of being a beautiful pastor's wife with a beautiful pastor's family. We would have a beautiful house with the white picket fence, and it would be completely decorated from the Pottery Barn catalog. My kids would be aspiring little preachers and church musicians, like every good Pastor's kid should be. It's was every good Christian girl's fairy tale!

Shortly after my husband and I were married, we both felt like God told us to quit our jobs and go work full-time for an inner-city ministry in one of the worst parts of Atlanta. We even ended a contract mid-construction while building our dream house, with plans to move to the inner-city where we ministered. Even though I was all in, the realities of life and ministry in the inner-city quickly set in, and I started having a pity party for myself and the "pretty life" dream that I had given up. It took a couple of years, but God changed my heart and I grew to love working with that ministry and those kids. We even took guardianship of a teenage boy for a while, and although he didn't stay long, I am grateful for that experience. My eyes were opened in many ways while we were at that church, and I lost a lot of the naivety and ignorance that I had prior to working there. It changed me for the better and I have never looked at ministry the same way again.

Fast forward 9 years and here I am today, living my original "pretty life" dream. We work at a nice large church, make good money, have a beautiful brick home in a nice neighborhood. It's decorated a little more eclectic than Pottery Barn, but I have the playroom and the office and the guest bedroom and the sun porch..

One could say, "Look how God has blessed you! He gave you all of your heart's desires!" And He has, and I am truly grateful. There is never a day that I don't look at my life and thank God for His blessings.

But...

That girl who dreamed about the perfect pretty life is gone. She has been replaced by a woman who's eyes have been opened to many things about faith, ministry, culture, economics, poverty, consumerism, health, etc. On the surface I am your normal suburban mom, taking my kids to the playground in our SUV, eating lunch at Chick-fil-A, stopping by Target to pick up a few things before heading back to our big, nice house where we are always working on a little remodeling project. But on the inside, I am the girl who devours Shane Claiborne books, watches conspiracy documentaries, and can't get enough of Derek Webb. Songs like "I Repent" and "I See Things Upside Down"  and "I Want a Broken Heart" are my silent anthems.

Sometimes I long for those days of ignorance. The days when I ate diet Twinkies and thought I was making a healthier choice. The days when I thought that all God wanted from me was to sing him worship songs with my hands lifted. The days when I thought that wealth and prosperity were God's greatest blessings.

But the ignorance is gone. Knowledge has entered that realm and with that knowledge, I am forced to make decisions.

Do I keep buying more and more stuff because that is what our culture is all about? More clothes, more home decor, more toys, more entertainment. Or do I learn to be content with less and start giving away the things we don't really need?

Do I continue living in a house that is much too big for our small family, and pour money and time into decorating and projects, or do we downsize and give up our dream house? Or, do I open up my home to others who need a place to live?

Do I continue giving my children the "best" by raising them in a nice little bubble where they basically get everything a kid could ever want, or do I raise them to not focus so much on the things they want and teach them how to love and serve "the least of these?"

Do I continue abusing and neglecting my body and the earth by eating unhealthy processed foods and relying too much on disposable items? Or do I take the harder road toward eating local and organic whole foods and adopting a zero waste lifestyle?

I am in the process of reading 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker and it has really messed me up. Warning: if you are in a happy state of blissful ignorance in regards to living less than intentionally in the areas of Food, Clothes, Spending, Media, Possessions, Waste, and Stress; this is not the book for you. But if you are ready to take a hard look at your life in light of the less popular aspects of God's Word, then I highly recommend this book!

There is this part of me that desperately just wants to be normal (whatever that means). But I know too much. I have too many convictions that I can't deny.

"What if Jesus knew our Christian culture would design a lovely life template complete with all the privileges and exemptions we want, but even with that widespread approval, He still expected radical simplicity, radical generosity, radical obedience from those with ears to hear, eyes to see?" 

So that's where I am. Somewhere "in between" living the way I was raised and the way most everyone around me lives, and being the weirdo/hippie that makes everyone a little uncomfortable by her alternative choices.

I kind of plateaued a while back in working my way toward living a natural and simple lifestyle, but this book has given me new passion and energy to keep making the necessary steps toward change.

"Stewardship is like that. I won't answer for the way another Christian mismanaged money. I won't be charged with another person's irresponsible consumption. Nor will I get credit for how another faith community shared or sacrificed luxuries for the marginalized. I'll answer for my choices. It won't work to say, 'But the church...' or 'But they...' or 'What about them...' for how we managed our money, our share of the earth. The 'my vote doesn't really count so why bother?' attitude our generation loves won't fly when it's all said and done."

I will end with this one last quote from the book, where Jen is talking to her 2004 self...

"Soon your whole life will be centered on justice. Your're going to walk away from power and reputation, and you'll break bread with the homeless and give away the shoes off your feet. It will be awesome. You'll be free soon. This nagging tension that things aren't right, that life is more than blessing extremely blessed people...that's all true. A torrent of believers are demanding more from the indulged American life, daring to imagine that discipleship is adventurous and risky and sacrificial and powerful. You won't believe how many of them there are. You'll be drawn into a thrilling chapter God is writing in the church..."

I'm ready for real change.

Always,

Amanda

The Gardener {Phillip Writes}

We are back home from our trip and have enjoyed a beautiful Easter day with family and friends. When I was in Ohio talking to Phillip over the phone, he read to me a poem he had written. I asked him if he would mind if I posted it here on the blog, because it seemed so fitting to share with you today.

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Source

On the pages of my heart is written a story of encouragement, benevolence, and unconditional love. 

The gardener who was walking through the graveyard of death and decay spoke so softly to me that I knew that life had just entered this dark place. 

A place where just moments before I had felt shame, worry, and disgrace...now he whispers to me that it is He and He is alive. 

This life brings light to my dark existence. 

Who can I share this light with? It is too much for me to contain. 

Can I? 

Will I? 

Should I? 

Try and attempt to share this great love with everyone? 

What if it runs out? 

What if the light is not enough for more than just me? 

If I keep it hidden, is the light made for anything except to just expose my own situation? 

No! 

I will share...spread...no, saturate this land with the light that was brought into my dark, dead, reality. 

Life and love given without condition or financial retribution to cover the debt of my past.

Benevolence showered on me to meet my needs in ways that I didn't expect and surely didn't deserve. 

Encouragement to run this race and not be weary, to walk in the heat and not faint. 

To go on further and faster saturating the dark places with this light. 

For time is short. 

Many days have passed since the gardener changed my life. 

Sooner than later, he will return to bring me into his glorious kingdom, but for now I remain here to plow...to plant...to water...praying for his sweet increase. 

Heaven is my home, but I will not go alone.

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May we be ever mindful of the reason we celebrate today. 

Always, 

Amanda

Of whom I am the worst...

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst." 1 Timothy 1:15

Really Paul? You are the worst sinner? I kind of have a hard time believing that seeing as how God used you to write most of the New Testament. Maybe you are just trying to make yourself more relate-able to your readers...

I think this is how I have felt most of my life whenever coming across this passage of scripture. Maybe not directly, but in my sub-conscious. Until now...

You see, I am at a point in my life where I feel like Paul. I feel like the worst sinner.

No I haven't went out and really messed up big, which is how us Christian kids usually viewed "sin". You know...smoking, drinking, cussing, R-rated movies, sex before marriage. At least that is what I thought growing up. And if you grow up in church and have always been a "good girl" (aka. not doing the previous mentioned sins), then it is a little hard to fully grasp the depth of what Christ did when he redeemed you or truly understand the magnitude of the Father's unconditional love for you.

I am a good girl and do the good Christian things. I am holy. I am righteous.

But wait...

"All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away." Isaiah 46:6

I started Lent with high expectations of how I would observe. The things I would give up and the Scripture reading plan I would follow. But as usual, the lack of self-discipline once again reared it's ugly head and I messed it all up and felt all dark and twisty. (A nod to Grey's Anatomy fans.)

So this Lent, I have come to realize a few things. I am selfish, easily angered, too focused on things that don't really matter, and did I mention selfish. That's a big one. A lot of selfish motivations going on underneath the good that I do. And I hate it.

At church this weekend, God showed me that the dark and twisty and ugly that I see inside of me, is the state of my sin. It is me without God, without Jesus, without the Holy Spirit. It is my GREAT need for the triune God to be fully present in my life. It is all the things that I can't change about myself no matter how hard I try. No matter how many books I read, how many things I try to put into practice, etc. I can't change myself, only HE can.

So Sunday, I truly repented. Maybe for the first time. I don't know. All that I know is that I now truly understand the ugliness of sin and the beauty of His righteousness. My husband said that the reason Paul said that he was the worst sinner twenty years AFTER his conversion, is that the closer he grew to God, the more aware he became of his sinful nature. 

So Paul...I get you now. 

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15

I mean, I really get you.

God showed me that he didn't need my well-planned and executed observance of Lent to bring me to a state of repentance. And I now know that he doesn't need my well-planned and executed Christian walk to take me where He wants me to go. Once again learning that it is more about this being, over the just knowing and doing.

*****

I actually wrote this out on Monday morning, and just a few hours later, read this awesome post by Aaron Niequist about the "darkness of Lent". About how when you give up those things that distract you, you are forced to face the deepest part of yourself and "invite God into this terrifyingly honest space." Talk about timing! 

Have you ever experienced this feeling of "darkness" in your observance of Lent or perhaps during a fast?

Always,

Amanda

Reflect. Repent.

The pains in my empty stomach remind me throughout the day of what this day is all about. 

Ash Wednesday. Repentance. 

This is my first year observing Ash Wednesday and Lent. I decided to fast today and now I just want to go to bed so that I can get up and eat breakfast. How did Jesus do it for 40 days?

Self-discipline. Something that I am not so great at. The evidence of which has once again reared it's ugly head in this most recent season of my life. Too many cookies, endless episodes on Netflix, drinking coffee and soda like water. 

So I am giving up those things for these 40 days of Lent. Those things that often characterize a lazy and undisciplined season in my life, which always spills on over into my spiritual life. Scattered prayers, an unopened Bible. Quick to anger, easily frustrated, growing more impatient . The mind focused on the shallow, the temporary, the fleeting. Feeling my own needs so great, much like this hunger, and others needs as merely an inconvenience, much like this fast. Repentance.

I think about these things as I go throughout my day. Laundry in, hunger, reflect, repent. Bathtub filled, hunger, reflect, repent. Toys picked up, hunger, reflect, repent. I used to think that fasting was something that I did to earn extra points with God. Now I know that fasting is all about the denial. The void. The reminder. As I traipse through the seemingly mundane of my day, I am seeing things differently.

I see two little people right in front of me that desperately need me to be Jesus with skin on. More apple juice in the sippy cup…serve. Little fingers fumbling the carseat buckles…patience. Tears spilled over scratchy tags…empathy.  Whatever you did for one of the least of these…

My mind races throughout the day as I plan my observance of Lent. Prayers to pray, devotionals to read, activities to do with the boys. I stop. In all of my planning for reflection and repentance, I am forgetting to reflect and repent.

It occurred to me today that I am really good at the knowing and the doing, but I struggle with the being. I think my One Word for 2012 is larger in scope than I first thought.

Be.

Be like Christ.

Be. Embody his very attributes.

Be kind to those who have hurt me. More than tolerant and superficially nice. Truly kind.

Be selfless in putting others needs before my own. This. Is. So. Hard.

Be merciful. Not judging those who are judging me. Grace extended.

Be focused on the deep, not the shallow. The eternal, not the temporary.

Reflect. Repent. Be.

Always,

Amanda

On Pregnancy After Loss

An open letter to the mama who just found out she is pregnant again after experiencing the loss of a baby.

Sweet mama, 

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I believe that sometimes that good is worked out as we share our stories of pain to bring encouragement to others and strengthen their faith. 

My first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was devastated. When I found out I was pregnant again a few months later, I was overcome with fear and anxiety that I would miscarry again. I didn't want to tell anyone until after the first trimester. But then I wrestled with guilt because I felt like if I didn't tell anyone, it meant that I didn't have enough faith. It was a really emotional time. 

It is sometimes hard to balance all of the feelings and questions we have. Happiness mixed with fear. Hope mixed with faith, add in a little doubt and then guilt. If I just pray hard enough... 

It is hard to understand God's ways. To know that no matter how hard we pray and hope, we have to trust that He is sovereign in all things. 

During my second pregnancy, the Father taught me to let go of the things that I could not control (life and death), and to focus on what I could control...my mind. I searched the Bible for every verse that I could find on worry, anxiety, and our thoughts. I typed them out and read them multiple times a day. 

I actively practiced taking captive every thought that was not in alignment with the Word of God. (2 Corinthians 10:5) 

One of my favorite verses was Romans 8:6...

"The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;"

Right now the enemy wants your mind to focus on death and fear of death, but I encourage you to let your mind be controlled by the Spirit of God, so that your focus will be on LIFE for your new little one and PEACE for your heart and mind. 

Every time the enemy sends a negative thought your way, you can come back at it with the Word of God. 

I can't tell you that everything is going to be okay, because no one knows what the future holds except our heavenly Father. But I will tell you that He loves you and your baby, and He wants you to walk in peace and joy today.

I don't know you, but I feel love for you in my heart as your sister in Christ. I want you to know that I am praying for peace and joy for you and for the Father's hand of protection in and around your womb as you grow and nourish this precious new life.

Always, 

Amanda

(Click here to download my list of scriptures on Worry, Anxiety and the Mind.)

Chalkboard Prayer Door

A few weeks ago,  I kind of impulsively painted our pantry door with chalkboard paint and I LOVE it! I intended to use it for daily to-do's, but I always end up using the dry erase board in my office for those. So my pretty pantry door has sat rather empty of words. When I saw this on Pinterest the other day, I had an "a-ha" moment, and decided to turn our pantry door into a "Family Prayer Door".

Here's the plan. Each week, I will write a specific thing that I want to pray about for Phillip and each of the boys. Then as a family, we will choose a few other people to pray for, and write their names and needs on the door. This will help me tremendously in reminding me to pray for others, because I walk by that door about 500 times a day. As a busy mom, prayer isn't always the first thing on my mind. (Except for "Lord, please help me survive Little Man's terrible two's!")

I have always struggled in praying for others aside from my immediate family because I feel like there are so many people and so many needs, and if I don't pray for all of them, I feel guilty. With this door, I hope to focus my prayers on just a couple of people a week, unless of course an immediate need arises that needs prayer.

I think this will also help me in my One Word goal for the year, which was to be more intentional in my friendships. I have several friendships that I specifically want to invest in, so I will keep their names in rotation on my door.

Hopefully this will help out with teaching and encouraging the boys to pray. Buddy is funny. He refuses to pray for meals right now. He tells us that he doesn't pray anymore. Hmmm...might need to add that to my door.

Always,

Amanda

The Hope That Is Ours

I awake in the middle of the night sandwiched between my toddler and my preschooler sleeping peacefully. As I listen to their steady breathing and snuggle in the warmth of their little bodies, my heart bursts with gratitude to the Father for blessing me with these two precious little ones.

In an instant, that gratitude is replaced with the all too familiar feeling of panic. What if something were to happen to one of them? How would I ever survive? My throat burns and tears sting my eyes. My heart races with fear and I silently weep into my pillow so I do not wake these little ones that I love so much.

Once upon a time, panic, worry and fear were strangers to me. Then, that hot July morning, I was awakened by a phone call, and they have since become frequent visitors.

"Your father has suffered a heart attack", the voice said over the line.

...continue reading at Sorta Crunchy!

Reflecting on Easter

Year after year I have celebrated Easter. I have put on my best dresses, dyed colorful eggs, cried at the Passion plays while thanking Christ for His great sacrifice.

But this year was different. You see, this once innocent girl with the childlike faith had now tasted of the bitterness of death. 

Death. Once something that seemed almost surreal has now taken up permanent residence in my reality. 

Death. Something so powerful that it took my dad away from me in an instant.

But, as the chorus of one of my favorite songs reminds me...

The love of God is stronger than the power of death!

Ever since my dad passed away, I can't get that song out of my head. 

And Easter, the day we celebrate Christ's death and resurrection, His victory over sin, death and the grave, I rejoice! 

Because death is so real to me this Easter, even greater are the realities of the love of the Father and His power over death. I rejoice because I know that my dad has been given the gift of eternal life!

On Saturday, I visited the cemetery to take Easter lilies to His grave as a symbol of beauty and life.

I was blessed to see this beautiful cross towering over the cemetery.

Even though I stood amongst death, I gazed upon the promise of eternal life.

While we were visiting the cemetery, we learned that they would be having a sunrise service the following day and would be calling out the names of all of those who passed away over the last 12 months. 

So early on Sunday morning, we joined in community with those who also had tasted of death and together, we celebrated life.

To close the service, a dove was released to symbolize the one we had lost followed by a flock of doves to symbolize all who have gone before us. It was a beautiful sight to behold.

So this Easter was a very special day for me and I just wanted to share that with you in hopes that you too can know and understand that "the love of God is stronger than the power of death." 

I hope you had a blessed Easter!

Always, 

Amanda

The Value of Things

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."    Matthew 6:19-21

I've been thinking a lot lately about consumerism and materialism, and how I do not want to live my life in constant want of things. My feelings on this subject are very deep and personal, but I'll briefly explain.

My father worked so hard his entire adult life to give his family nice things. Since his passing, my sister and I have spent time at my parent's house trying to go through things to keep, sell, donate, etc. It's amazing how many things that were "must haves" at one time, now have no real value or meaning. Our culture has trends and styles that change with the season, and we often feel that we have to give ourselves, our homes and our lifestyles constant makeovers in order to keep up and stay current. Things are not often purchased for their functionality and durability, but rather for the statement they will make to others about who we are. This leads to an ever growing pile of "sell/donate/give away" items to make room for the new "must haves" as told to us by mass media marketing.

I say all this to say, when I weigh how hard my dad worked against the value and meaning of the things he worked to pay for, it doesn't balance out. If I had it to do all over again, I would have sacrificed my wants a little more, so that he could have worked a little less and had more time to enjoy life. I can't change the past, but I can change my way of thinking; choosing contentment and gratitude over want and lust for material things. I can work to create a new culture in my own family and raise my children to find joy and fulfillment in things other than what commercials and sales ads say they need. (Click here for some great reading on kids and commercialism.)

I am on the journey toward living a simple and more natural life. To become a better steward of the things the Lord has entrusted me with...my body, my family, my home, my time, my money, and the earth. To go against our culture of consumerism and materialism, and make a stand for what I feel is right for me and my family. Won't you please join me?

 "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'."    Hebrews 13:5

Always, 

Amanda

Let us break bread together...

The other day, a large branch broke on a tree in our front yard. Our sweet neighbor offered to cut it down with his chainsaw and another neighbor said he would mow the grass around the tree for us. I decided to put my new bread maker (a Craigslist find!) to work and make them some homemade Honey Oat Bread as a "thank you". Phillip and Buddy and then I and Buddy took separate trips taking our homemade bread to the neighbors to tell them how much we appreciated what they did. Both times, the neighbors invited us in for an old-fashioned visit. What a blessing to have such great neighbors! It has really challenged me to reach out and do something kind for another neighbor I don't yet know. What a great way to share the love of God with those around me! How can you reach out to a neighbor this week?


Always, 

Amanda

Here is your mission, should you choose to accept it...

As parents, we are given a very clear and specific mission from the Father...to raise our children to love and to fear Him. This is a great responsibility and it should not be taken lightly.

1.    Children are a precious gift from God…

Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.

2.    And they are very important to Him…

Matthew 18:10
See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

3.    He desires and is worthy of their praise…

Psalm 8:2
From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger

4.    He has given us as their parents the responsibility to instruct and teach them….

Proverbs 1:8
Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching


Deuteronomy 11:19
Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord

5.    And He promises that our time invested will be greatly rewarded.

Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Deuteronomy 6:2
So that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life.

As Buddy has recently turned two, I am so excited that he is at an age that I can begin doing more activities and projects with him to teach Him about God and the Bible, as well as his colors, numbers, letters, etc. I am going to begin doing Tot School with him and will be regularly posting about our progress as well as fun activity and lesson ideas.

If you have children, I encourage you to see yourself as their #1 teacher and look forward to your eternal rewards.


Always, 

Amanda