The Time Has Come....Go!

I grew up watching old reruns of "I Love Lucy" on Nick at Nite. One of my favorite episodes was the one where Lucy is due to give birth to Little Ricky and while she resting in her room not yet ready to go to the hospital, Ricky, Fred, and Ethel are in the living room practicing what they will each do when she announces that she is ready to leave. Ricky starts every practice sequence with, "The time has come...go!" and then each of them calmly proceeds with their part of seeing her off to the hospital. Of course, when Lucy waddles into the room and says "This is it!", everything turns into chaos and they all rush out of the apartment without Lucy. It's a great scene.

I kind of feel like my life is like that scene right now. Kind of like all of my years have been building up to this moment, and God is saying "This is it!" and I am sort of freaking out.

These past few months, God has been revealing so much to me about what is really important, showing me changes I need to make in my life, and replacing my version of what a godly woman looks like with his much more beautiful and complex picture.

Yet I feel chaotic inside. Scattered. My mind is running non-stop with so many thoughts, ideas, prayers, and convictions. I am so excited and hungry for change, but sometimes I want to just lay on the couch and hide under an old quilt. You see, He is asking me to step out of my comfort zone in pretty much every area of my life, and sometimes it feels overwhelming.

But He is saying, "The time has come...go!"

I feel such an urgency. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have just been told that I only have 3 years to live and I have to make every second count and completely surrender every area of my life to His Kingdom.

No more of this sitting around and talking about all of the problems....with the world....with the church...with our culture.... etc, etc, etc.

Or as Dave Matthews says..."making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us..."

I feel like that's where I have been for a long time. I've been joining my generation in endless discussions of what is wrong with everything, not realizing the whole time, that I am just as much the problem as the answer.

Because the world is made of people. The church is made up of people. Our culture is made up of people. And I am one of those people. And so are you. And every time I act like my voice and my choices are too small and too insignificant to make a difference, I am part of the problem.

And that is what God has been revealing to me since the beginning of Lent. That my life matters. My decisions matter. My stewardship matters. My attitude matters. Every small, seemingly insignificant choice I make matters to Him.

And no, this change I am seeking is not about me doing great, big things for God that will bring me earthly glory and recognition. I think I am finally over my own Evangelical Hero Complex.

The only thing this is about for me right now is that moment when I stand before God in heaven, and give an account for my life and the way I chose to live it. I have to once again quote Jen Hatmaker, where she wrote...

"Stewardship is like that. I won't answer for the way another Christian mismanaged money. I won't be charged with another person's irresponsible consumption. Nor will I get credit for how another faith community shared or sacrificed luxuries for the marginalized. I'll answer for my choices. It won't work to say, 'But the church...' or 'But they...' or 'What about them...' for how we managed our money, our share of the earth. The 'my vote doesn't really count so why bother?' attitude our generation loves won't fly when it's all said and done."

I will answer for myself, and only myself. And I don't know how much longer I have because the Bible says...

"No one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows."        Matthew 24:36

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this city or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."         James 4:13-14

So that is the reason for the urgency I feel. I have one life to live and already 31 years have passed. I don't know how much longer I have and I want to make every moment count for His Kingdom.

Always, 

Amanda

Ignorance Is Bliss. Or Is It?

I feel like I need to explain myself a little more about the way I've been feeling in regards to feeling "stuck in between" the person I am and the person I want to be.

You see, for a long time I lived in ignorance. I grew up as a good Christian girl who went to a good Christian school and worked at a good Christian bookstore. I went on to attend a good Christian university and marry a good Christian guy. I had dreams of being a beautiful pastor's wife with a beautiful pastor's family. We would have a beautiful house with the white picket fence, and it would be completely decorated from the Pottery Barn catalog. My kids would be aspiring little preachers and church musicians, like every good Pastor's kid should be. It's was every good Christian girl's fairy tale!

Shortly after my husband and I were married, we both felt like God told us to quit our jobs and go work full-time for an inner-city ministry in one of the worst parts of Atlanta. We even ended a contract mid-construction while building our dream house, with plans to move to the inner-city where we ministered. Even though I was all in, the realities of life and ministry in the inner-city quickly set in, and I started having a pity party for myself and the "pretty life" dream that I had given up. It took a couple of years, but God changed my heart and I grew to love working with that ministry and those kids. We even took guardianship of a teenage boy for a while, and although he didn't stay long, I am grateful for that experience. My eyes were opened in many ways while we were at that church, and I lost a lot of the naivety and ignorance that I had prior to working there. It changed me for the better and I have never looked at ministry the same way again.

Fast forward 9 years and here I am today, living my original "pretty life" dream. We work at a nice large church, make good money, have a beautiful brick home in a nice neighborhood. It's decorated a little more eclectic than Pottery Barn, but I have the playroom and the office and the guest bedroom and the sun porch..

One could say, "Look how God has blessed you! He gave you all of your heart's desires!" And He has, and I am truly grateful. There is never a day that I don't look at my life and thank God for His blessings.

But...

That girl who dreamed about the perfect pretty life is gone. She has been replaced by a woman who's eyes have been opened to many things about faith, ministry, culture, economics, poverty, consumerism, health, etc. On the surface I am your normal suburban mom, taking my kids to the playground in our SUV, eating lunch at Chick-fil-A, stopping by Target to pick up a few things before heading back to our big, nice house where we are always working on a little remodeling project. But on the inside, I am the girl who devours Shane Claiborne books, watches conspiracy documentaries, and can't get enough of Derek Webb. Songs like "I Repent" and "I See Things Upside Down"  and "I Want a Broken Heart" are my silent anthems.

Sometimes I long for those days of ignorance. The days when I ate diet Twinkies and thought I was making a healthier choice. The days when I thought that all God wanted from me was to sing him worship songs with my hands lifted. The days when I thought that wealth and prosperity were God's greatest blessings.

But the ignorance is gone. Knowledge has entered that realm and with that knowledge, I am forced to make decisions.

Do I keep buying more and more stuff because that is what our culture is all about? More clothes, more home decor, more toys, more entertainment. Or do I learn to be content with less and start giving away the things we don't really need?

Do I continue living in a house that is much too big for our small family, and pour money and time into decorating and projects, or do we downsize and give up our dream house? Or, do I open up my home to others who need a place to live?

Do I continue giving my children the "best" by raising them in a nice little bubble where they basically get everything a kid could ever want, or do I raise them to not focus so much on the things they want and teach them how to love and serve "the least of these?"

Do I continue abusing and neglecting my body and the earth by eating unhealthy processed foods and relying too much on disposable items? Or do I take the harder road toward eating local and organic whole foods and adopting a zero waste lifestyle?

I am in the process of reading 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker and it has really messed me up. Warning: if you are in a happy state of blissful ignorance in regards to living less than intentionally in the areas of Food, Clothes, Spending, Media, Possessions, Waste, and Stress; this is not the book for you. But if you are ready to take a hard look at your life in light of the less popular aspects of God's Word, then I highly recommend this book!

There is this part of me that desperately just wants to be normal (whatever that means). But I know too much. I have too many convictions that I can't deny.

"What if Jesus knew our Christian culture would design a lovely life template complete with all the privileges and exemptions we want, but even with that widespread approval, He still expected radical simplicity, radical generosity, radical obedience from those with ears to hear, eyes to see?" 

So that's where I am. Somewhere "in between" living the way I was raised and the way most everyone around me lives, and being the weirdo/hippie that makes everyone a little uncomfortable by her alternative choices.

I kind of plateaued a while back in working my way toward living a natural and simple lifestyle, but this book has given me new passion and energy to keep making the necessary steps toward change.

"Stewardship is like that. I won't answer for the way another Christian mismanaged money. I won't be charged with another person's irresponsible consumption. Nor will I get credit for how another faith community shared or sacrificed luxuries for the marginalized. I'll answer for my choices. It won't work to say, 'But the church...' or 'But they...' or 'What about them...' for how we managed our money, our share of the earth. The 'my vote doesn't really count so why bother?' attitude our generation loves won't fly when it's all said and done."

I will end with this one last quote from the book, where Jen is talking to her 2004 self...

"Soon your whole life will be centered on justice. Your're going to walk away from power and reputation, and you'll break bread with the homeless and give away the shoes off your feet. It will be awesome. You'll be free soon. This nagging tension that things aren't right, that life is more than blessing extremely blessed people...that's all true. A torrent of believers are demanding more from the indulged American life, daring to imagine that discipleship is adventurous and risky and sacrificial and powerful. You won't believe how many of them there are. You'll be drawn into a thrilling chapter God is writing in the church..."

I'm ready for real change.

Always,

Amanda

Life In Between

Source

A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook page yesterday...

It's been over a week and no new blog post?! Ma'am what is up?!

To which I replied...

Busy and overwhelmed! :(

If you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you have probably noticed that I go MIA a lot. When things in my life get busy and overwhelming, blogging tends to be one of the first things I put on the back burner. 

April/May is a busy time for me at the church because I am in charge of two large events held two weekends back-to-back. Then there is just simply being the mama of two little boys, taking care of my home, working in my garden, sewing a quilt, reading good books, knitting a cute little dress (which I finished last night!), and watching Downton Abbey. Oh, and I started running and doing Power 90 again. (Unfortunately my "break for the Holidays" turned into a 5 month workout hiatus, which I am ashamed to admit.)

But that's just all the busy stuff. And really, I love to stay busy. I have never been one much for relaxing. So that leaves the whole "overwhelmed" part. And this part is hard to explain. 

You see, I am a little weird. In the mountains where we used to live, they called it "quar." 

I tend to see things differently then most people around me, and I am passionate about things that not many in my circles really care about. 

Faith

Politics

Parenting

Culture

Lifestyle

Education

Most of my views on these topics are very different than those of my friends, my family, and my church. And since I dislike confrontation, I tend to just keep my mouth shut, paste a smile on my face, and nod my head. I am more vocal here on the blog, but there are still many posts I never publish, and ideas scribbled in a notebook that never make it to the tapping of the keys.

And it eats away at me. I feel stuck in between. In between the person I truly am and the person that I try to be for everyone else. I am 31. When will I finally be comfortable to truly be myself? How am I supposed to raise my boys to live authentically if I struggle to live authentically in front of them?

For a long time I struggled with finding my identity, but over the last couple of years, I feel like I have "found myself" and discovered the things that are truly important to me. Now I just struggle with the boldness to live it. 

I kind of feel like a caterpillar who has already turned into a butterfly, but still finds herself trapped inside the cocoon. And for some reason, that feels particularly overwhelming this week.

Always, 

Amanda

The Gardener {Phillip Writes}

We are back home from our trip and have enjoyed a beautiful Easter day with family and friends. When I was in Ohio talking to Phillip over the phone, he read to me a poem he had written. I asked him if he would mind if I posted it here on the blog, because it seemed so fitting to share with you today.

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Source

On the pages of my heart is written a story of encouragement, benevolence, and unconditional love. 

The gardener who was walking through the graveyard of death and decay spoke so softly to me that I knew that life had just entered this dark place. 

A place where just moments before I had felt shame, worry, and disgrace...now he whispers to me that it is He and He is alive. 

This life brings light to my dark existence. 

Who can I share this light with? It is too much for me to contain. 

Can I? 

Will I? 

Should I? 

Try and attempt to share this great love with everyone? 

What if it runs out? 

What if the light is not enough for more than just me? 

If I keep it hidden, is the light made for anything except to just expose my own situation? 

No! 

I will share...spread...no, saturate this land with the light that was brought into my dark, dead, reality. 

Life and love given without condition or financial retribution to cover the debt of my past.

Benevolence showered on me to meet my needs in ways that I didn't expect and surely didn't deserve. 

Encouragement to run this race and not be weary, to walk in the heat and not faint. 

To go on further and faster saturating the dark places with this light. 

For time is short. 

Many days have passed since the gardener changed my life. 

Sooner than later, he will return to bring me into his glorious kingdom, but for now I remain here to plow...to plant...to water...praying for his sweet increase. 

Heaven is my home, but I will not go alone.

********

May we be ever mindful of the reason we celebrate today. 

Always, 

Amanda

Cousins

Garden Notes

I have been busy the last 2 weeks working in the backyard and garden. I don't know if you remember the raised bed vegetable garden we started last year or not, but you may have noticed that there was not much mention of it after that first post. Why? Because it was an epic fail. Let's just say that my thumb is a little more brown than green. But I am DETERMINED to master this, so I approached the garden with a lot more planning and intention this year.

I started a little gardening journal, where I keeping all of my planting dates and notes on specific care and harvest instructions. I started out by doing some yard measurements and tracking the amount of sunlight each part of the backyard gets each day. Then I tested the pH levels of my soil, which all tested pretty neutral.

I opted to plant a Square Foot Garden this year, and planned mine out using this free online planner. After working in about 9 bags of mushroom compost, I used twine to mark off my squares. My garden is 5' x 10', so I had 50 squares to work with. Because the garden is 5' wide instead of the typical 4', I placed two stepping stones in the very center so that I will be able to reach the middle plants easier.

On the left end of the garden, Phillip will be building me trellis, so I planted 1 square of watermelon, 2 of cantelopes, and 2 of cucumbers. The next row is squash, zuchinni, thyme, and peppers. Next is more squash and zuchinni, tomatoes and peppers. In the middle of the garden are onions, garlic, carrots, and red potatoes. Heading toward the right are the rest of my herbs: basil, cilantro, parsley, and oregano. Then I planted a row of marigolds to help deter pests, leaving the last 2 rows for the spreading of my 5 strawberry plants.

Here are the strawberry plants up close. Because strawberries prefer a more acidic soil, the garden expert at Lowe's recommended pine straw for mulch because she said as it breaks down, it will naturally make the soil more acidic.

Here's a closer shot of my peppers and tomatoes. I will stake the tomatoes when I get back from my trip.

I planted 1 green pepper, 1 red pepper, 1 yellow pepper, and 1 jalapeno pepper. For the tomatoes, I planted 2 Better Boys, 1 Bonnie Grape, and I can't remember the other one. (I have it written in my notebook is at home.) Everything else I planted by seed.

When I was digging up the garden and adding in the compost, I found that some weeds had grown up under the garden border, so I dug up all the grass and weeds about a foot around the bed and added mulch to help prevent regrowth. And because the boys LOVED digging in the garden during the fall and winter, I thought I better give them a new place to dig, so they wouldn't be digging up my seeds. My father-in-law was getting rid a wooden step base last year, and I asked him if I could have it for a potential future little garden. This year, it will just be for digging.

I found this adorable bean teepee idea, so I decided to add one of those as well. 

I planted pole beans, garden peas, and Black-eyed Susans around the teepee, and I hope it will provide a fun hiding place for the boys later this summer.

In addition to the vegetable garden, we worked on some other backyard projects...

Phillip worked on rebuilding the doors on the shed we bought for $100 on Craigslist last year. He did a fantastic  job! I am trying to choose paint colors now. What do you think about this shed's color scheme?

I also worked on the landscaping around the sun porch. Here is the back where it is nice and shady. I had dug up a bunch of huge roots from this area last year, and then just planted wildflowers. This year, I dug those up and edged the area with some old bricks before planting Hostas and a Hydrangea. 

The other side of the porch looked like this...

But I dug it up and planted a Rhododendron, a Hawthorne, and another Hydrangea. I also planted a few small Lily Turf plants and added some mulch. I can't wait until they grow big and beautiful!

I have plans to add a lot of other perennials, but I wanted to start them indoors and then transplant in a few weeks.

This little greenhouse has 72 pods and I started some Delphinium, Fox Gloves, Purple Coneflowers, Calendula, more Black Eyed Susans, Columbine, and Sunflowers. In another container, I started 72 Hollyhocks that I plan to plant along the back of the privacy fence at the back of our yard. But first, I have to finish digging up all of the weeds and brush already along the fence. 

The last area I worked on is in the back corner of our yard near the playset. It was an area I had been putting off because I didn't have the strength to dig up the huge roots back there. I ended up paying a teenage boy from our youth group to come over for a few hours and dig for me. He worked hard and accomplished much more than I ever could have!

After he was finished, I planted some Azaleas and added mulch. I also dug up all the weeds along the playset and added mulch. It's looks much cleaner now. 

All that digging, planting, and mulching was a ton of work and every bone and muscle in my body ached all week long! BUT, it was so worth it. After living here almost 2 1/2 years, the backyard is really starting to take shape. The boys and I spend a lot of time out there, and I want it to be nice and peaceful back there. 

I will keep you posted on how everything grows and progresses. My fingers are crossed that this will be my year for the green thumb to kick in!

Always, 

Amanda

Indoor Sand and Water Play

When we went to the Children's Museum last month, two areas that the boys really enjoyed were the fishing/water area and the moon sand table, so I thought I would try to recreate those environments at home. We are blessed with a huge sunporch off the back of the house, so that was the perfect location for this messy activity area.

I purchased two of these 41qt Storage Totes, one for "sand" and one for water. (They were a little pricy at $11.99 each, but I knew we could clean them up and use them for under the bed storage later, so I didn't mind. ) We already had two of these tables from IKEA, and when put together, they are the perfect size for holding one of the storage totes. I also purchased two turquoise rubber baskets from Hobby Lobby to hold sand and water toys. (They were only $6.99 each, and I was able to use a 40% off coupon on one!)

So here it is all nice and pretty, waiting for two little boys to come and turn it into this...

No worries. It's nothing that a little vacuuming can't get up! 

Instead of using regular sand or purchasing (expensive) moon sand, I made up a batch of cloud dough to try out.

Basically, you add 1 cup of oil (some use baby oil, I used vegetable oil) to 8 cups of flour. Mix it together with your hands and when it is thoroughly combined, it will resemble dry sand, but will hold the shape of sand molds like damp sand would. The initial making of the cloud dough is pretty messy because you are dealing with flour, but after it is combined, it barely even sticks to their hands. To fill up my 41qt container, I used a 5lb bag of flour and 2 1/4 cups of vegetable oil. The boys love it!

I got a little smarter and added a vinyl tablecloth underneath to protect the carpet from getting the cloud dough mashed in.

When we want to switch to water play, I simply put the lid on the "sand" tote and set it aside, and fill up the other tote with water. We were talking about Noah's Ark that day, so we made a little boat for all of the animals.

I gave the boys some flat colored marble stones, and the boys absolutely LOVED playing with these in the water!

On pretty days like we have been having, I move the water tote outside to a little table we have out there. The boys love playing with the water outside and using it alongside their mudpie kitchen.

On the days that the weather isn't pretty, the indoor "sand" and water table will get plenty of use!

Always, 

Amanda